Just telling the story, how things progressed, just doesn't seem to do it justice. The flow of events, the timing, who I was with, where I was, how all the little pieces could seem so insignificant but yet I am certain they are connected.

I guess I'll just start...
Yesterday as2 and I did some errands in my old home town for the the condo, a trip to lowes, a trip to target, the usual stuff, and then we proceeded to applebee's before heading home.

This applebee's is famous for lots of things but most especially the hang out place after football games with the rest of the crazy marching band geeks.

As we walked in, the hostess asked us to follow her, and as I walked towards the table I saw Chris' parents. Not unusual, they still live where they've always lived. I introduced as2, I hugged his mom, said hello to his dad, and I got caught up on everyone's lives (including the spaces that facebook missed).

Aside from my usual uncertainty, watching every word I say, with his parents, I noticed nothing unusual about my surroundings, just a little conversation, good wishes and as2and I were on our way.

Now, I admit it, it's hard not to think of him, when I see his parents. Really, I think of him often anyway...our friendship, the things I learned from his life, the fact that my peer was so light years ahead of me yet took an interest or held me as valuable has never escaped me. I remember that ill-fated Saturday morning like it was yesterday. March 17, 2001, the day one of the most beautiful souls I'd ever known was ripped away by "some drunken fool, who played the part of a ticking time bomb."

So as2and I sat down, I made sure she knew who those people I just introduced her to were. and then we proceeded to select our dinners. I looked up and there were tears in her eyes, and I knew them, my mom has had those same tears. I know it doesn't explain a lot, by saying that but I think its some sort of realization that any one of us could be ripped away in an instant.

Our meals were served and then the waitress came over, I thought for the usual how is everything but instead she told us that there were these 2 really religious women in the restaurant who saw us, and who were travelling, and saw something that moved them to pay for our meals. Tip and Everything. as2 and I were speechless. We tried explaining it away, that it was really his parents who had just pulled some silly manuever, we were almost convinced when a 2nd waitress, this time the actual one who served the mystery table, came over to us with more information, that these two were "highly spiritual" "traveling from the south to Maine" "one was a retired assistant principal the other someone who worked for hospice" and they were "paying it forward"

So, hang on a second. This whole scene would have caused me to feel incredibly perplexed under normal circumstances, but throw in the whole C layer and BAM. TOTAL PERPLEXATION MODE has been achieved.

This isn't the first time C has shown up to say "hi" in my life, nor do I hope it will be the last.

This time I'm so glad I had as2  there to share it with me. This time I can't help but think that maybe he shared this with us because he approves.

The whole thing left me with a dull aching, like one of those dreams you wake up from where you reconnect with some long lost friend and when you wake up you remember they aren't there. But you have that little hole that is achy for that memory that you disturbed.
It also left me glad that he cares enough to send me messages like that. Like I said to as2on the drive home, it always surprises me that I'm the intended recipient for something like that.

I wish I had a better look at those two women who were seated in the booth behind his parents, a better look than a blurry rememberance of their citrus colored shirts. But I thank them, for their piece in this, I wonder if they thought it would be this well recieved. I assure them that this event will not be forgotten in quite some time. 

Yay Brooke is safe!  :-D 

i want you to know that I am updating in my mind.
soon that will transpire to actual words here.
today's the day
i can feel it in my bones.
if only i were home it would be faster.

i started this entry off really whiny.
then i deleted it.
i deleted it because no matter what happens w/r/t work
i will survive.

i'm not thrilled about going to this "new" job.
but honestly i could be doing something awful.
it bides my time until i find something better.

i have another interview on friday with a child care corp.
i hope it pans out nicely wage wise.
i would take a pay cut if it meant no w/e no holidays etc.

i'm glad i'm heading back into therapy.
sometimes i get this really low growl in my head that spits angry things at me, statements i would never make to anyone else, yet i believe them.
it's happening now.
regarding that, despite her assurances that sometimes it takes a while.
i see the ad all over, c-list, monster etc.
maybe they aren't interested in me.

i'm trying to stay positive.
because it isn't helpful to be anything else.
but honestly...
i'm not convinced.

i feel icky.
i'm hungry too.

i wish i were waking up to fantastic news.
something to look forward to re: work


i really think i missed the boat.
and i'm not a very strong swimmer.

so it was a quiet saturday afternoon when i started this...
well for the most part.

elliot was asleep beside me, doing his little snoring thing that he does and the ipod was on playing some mix i made years ago that i still feel so connected to.

so in a little while i'll have a new job, well a new old job in a different site basically.
however really i think it would be better (like i mentioned previously) to just ditch altogether considering what there is to be considered.

i went on a few preschool teaching interviews. one of them would be an awesome place to work and to grow as an employee... the other would be very community minded, and could be awesome (i.e. rewarding) but if i were to take it, i would be facing a SERIOUS pay cut.  sure it's not all about the paycheck, but honestly getting paid a little more than half of what i'm making now would be a total kick to the stomach, esp. with the health insurance waiting period etc and MA's new mandatory health insurance law. I don't know....at this point anything sounds better than where i'm currently at.

anyway I digress, the  other awesome school would be nice.  the buildings look new, the technology seems up to date, the philosophy is in line with mine, it seems  to be really its run well and the ED who founded the school actually seems to have her fingers in the pie and is pretty invested in the growth of her staff or so it seems. 

the current co. i work for is completely unorganized, irrational and a few other  choice words i'll use to describe them upon my departure.  I think i've learned that i need boundaries at work, defined parameters and systems that are established to make life easier, along with people who are actually efficient and know what they're doing. 

owen_amends said a little while back that sometimes you stick things out in certain places for a reason.  I have my reason, so now i think its time to move on.

my fingers are crossed that things will pan out well somehow or another.

2008 is going to rule. (the mantra)

after writing a few paragraphs on my philosophy of education and why i want to be a teacher i'm off to another interview.

if this one rules things are going to get a little sticky.
i'll explain later
let's just say that after a little more time i think it might be smarter to just try something else other than what i'm doing with the company i'm currently doing it for.

happy new year
2008 is going to rule.

phew....

i made it.
another christmas complete.
i made it relatively unscathed.

acquired lots of gear for my feet and gear for my brain.  apparently the gift givers this year were concerned about the status of my feet because the sheer number of SOCKS i received is funny.  oh and then there are the slippers my cat elliot picked up for me through his christmas elf, as2
. 

it was a great day, spent with people i love. warm and safe and comfy.  what more can i ask for?

tomorrow i have an interview
today something interesting transpired

again i say, 2008 will be incredible.




 

it has been a while.
I know.
sometimes I vow to get into the swing of things, just to purge whatever is going on on my brain and maybe that will just help me fall asleep better.

things at work suck.
certifiably sucky.

sure, I have the responsibilities, but I have NO power to get things done. so I'm constantly between the RA's I schedule/run payroll for and the HO who can print checks, etc. 

so its the weekend before Christmas and I have 3 RA's who need some sort of check from the HO and all the emails and phone calls from Thursday weren't answered, but the football pool spreadsheet was sent.  WHAT THE HELL, it's fine, I'll be sick to my stomach, having to face the RA's etc.  don't fret or worry about it, be concerned about football etc...we'll just trudge along.
i really just want to shut the door to my office, not answer the phone and wrap up stuff in here so when i get my (insert witty segway here...)NEW job.....


HA!  new job...i have 2 interviews lined up for the 27th and the 3rd.
i AM going back to preschool.
i WILL be working for a company that appreciates all the crap i do.
i WILL  be doing something that i love.
i WILL reclaim my work life balance.
i WILL have my own time post work, without worrying about 5am phone calls.


thanks to as2 -lama, I was subjected to the secret, and while concept is very info-mercially, it must have some roots, I mean I remember my new age mom always "visualizing" parking spots in crowded locations and being successful 9 times out of 10 when she pictured her spot where it would be.  I have a hard time seeing the universe as being against me, the whole idea of grass doesn't struggle to grow, it simply does, I like that image, cheesy or not.   So the secret has certainly acted as a litmus test to challenge my thoughts...when I feel them slipping into oblivion and into that pit of worry and anxiety, i picture my happy place, and happy times, and believe it or not, I feel better.

last night I had a great time meeting as2 's mom, playing yahtzee, indulging in martha-like soup and cookie creations, basically an overall good time.

however, work as it currently stands is so NOT my happy place. 
I'm going to put my nose to the grind stone and get through the weekend. 2 days off for Christmas and then an interview on Thursday.


2008 will be awesome.
2007 is ending on a good note, sure work sucks, but without it, I wouldn't have met as2 and that would just be a shame.
I ended a relationship that should have been ended years prior.
I moved back to a reasonable commute, closer to the people I care about. 
I reconnected with some old friends.
I tackled a new job that solidified my desire to go back to preschool.


 

seriously...
I am so glad it's Friday.
I am SO officially glad as2 and I are rocking the road trip this weekend.
I look forward to meeting owen_amends and son.
I just want to get far far away from the crazy at work.
I got my "you're accepted" letter from a local comm. college and I'm looking forward to re-starting that chapter.

Today I woke up with a stuffy head, I've taken airborne, and hopefully things will straighten out.
My brain feels fuzzy, but it could just be the crazy work week I had.

I am so looking forward to the roadtrip, the christmas cds, the coffee runs and pit stops
I like the change of pace.
the adventure.

***************************

In other news, things with my mom are tough.
I'm not sure what the deal with her.
I just know i need to work out before the holiday because she'd be the first to just let things go by without talking to me.
This is totally my family's crazy M.O.

I don't know...

**************************

back to work.
hopefully I'll make it out of here with a semi intact brain.

in no sort of order, just getting myself back to the present after a semi crappy interaction at work.

1. a pretty girl who gets me.
2. iced coffee runs.
3. christmas light drives
4. snuggling
5. elliot's excitement with new catnip mice from the pretty girl.
6. the vince guardaldi pandora station
7. mint m&m's
8. upcoming roadtrip weekend
9. balsam and cedar yankee candle scent
10. my step dad returning his phone call on his birthday and not following in the footsteps of my mom.

::deep breath:: 

there..i feel better.

 the setting was typical high school movie,
the chilly thanksgiving morning, 
the big shrewsbury v. milford high school rivalry.
the last football game of their high school career.
she the bulky sax player, who has made up her mind not to go to the senior formal in a week
he the sweet, charming clarinet player with the long distance girlfriend.
post halftime
walking together to get hot chocolate to warm up their icy hands 
he springs for her cocoa
and says, you know i'm so thankful you're my friend.
i've been wanting to ask you this for a few weeks
she can't believe how this is unfolding, could he really be asking her something like this, 
here 
with the leaves swirling 
and the chilly winds
HER!?
HIM?!
he says, she's away, and this formal is ours, so will you go with me? please?
she stands there, looking him in the eye
hand in her pocket pinching herself 
is this real?
he says he's sorry for the short notice, with college applications and so on time slipped away.
she smiles, hugs him and says of course.
then excuses herself to run up the freezing metal bleachers to her mom.
tears in her eyes
her mom looks at her and says WHAT!?
and after the girl catches her breath and wipes the happy from her eyes,
she asks to go shopping, she has a date to the formal.
and not just any date
the kind of date that will last in her memory forever.

 so its funny how the universe gives you what you need just when you  need it.
on my way into work this morning, i turned on the xm and the topic of conversation on lifeswork with lisa belkin was toxicity in the work place!

NOW.  seriously if there was ever a WEEK where i needed to hear about that, THIS WAS THE WEEK.

but anyway, i listened to some people chat about their books and i'm set to pick at least one of them up. i figure it can't hurt me to have a few more coping mechanisms under my belt.

so today, onto a fresh more positive outlook.

sure its thanksgiving, 
sure i have to work,

but i woke up this morning feeling well rested
the shower worked 
my outfit came together easily
my pretty braved the world to get me a coffee
my coffee tasted amazing.
i'm wearing bowling shoes
the xm definitely earned another month of paying for the subscription.
an easy commute
open gas stations
a warm building
the cute little fireplace in the front lobby
all my staff are in

this year i'm so thankful for: (in no particular order)

a change in circumstances
getting out of that silly situation i was in for way too long.
elliot
my brother's medicatedness
getting to (museum) house sit
reconnecting with friends from 2934082 years ago
a shorter commute.
realizing i didn't need bby anymore.
not squashing.
taking a chance 
realizing that i didn't have to be in it for the long term
working on the monster.
a fantastic birthday
making new friends
trying new things
flexing my furniture building muscles
"ice cream eating" and inside codes
the dock
music
lots of good books
and so much more....

happy thanksgiving.


 

today's one of those days i seriously could have remained in bed and glazed over.
i went into work earlier than i was supposed to because i'm lame
things have been brewing around work anyway, people are snappy and things are passive aggressively being left for other people to manage.
and i'm reaching my breaking point 
and today just sort of highlighted that.


Bullet Points for Today
1. you only have to tell me once!
2. once i tell you something, unless i tell you something else, the first thing still counts and hasn't CHANGED.
3. believe me, if i knew something i would tell you just to get you off my freaking back.
4. sure the idea sounds great, but a. how are you going to accomplish it, and b. how are you going to pay for it?

i know things will get better
i know i'm not here forever.
i know that a career in teaching kids is way more up my alley. and that even with that there are bad days.
i know that the holidays are stressful on people, 
i know that work is hardly where anyone wants to be when family is impending, and the stresses of regular living are pressing down on you.

i really just want to be home 
baking bread
making pies
without phone calls, without stupid questions.

work tomorrow too...but then 3 days off 
completely.
my leash phone will NOT be on.
mark my words.


 

 there's something to be said about sharing laundry detergent.
especially if said laundry detergent is that of someone amazing and lovely.
because today as i miss her, i am comforted by the smell of my clothes, they remind me of her arms, and the scent of her when i'm snuggled up with her.
scent is such a strong sense for me, and others i'm sure... i love how it just transports you to a whole other place, time.  and for just  a second  as you're breathing, you get to revisit a scene.  i know its not always a great scene, i used to know a girl who hated flowers because the scent of them reminded her of her grandfathers funeral.  
i love being shrouded in this faint scent of laundry soap but i would obviously prefer to be wrapped up in my pretty girl's arms...
back to work.
::yahoo::  

 I swiped this from as2
 Meme: The rules are easy, just post 6 things that recently made you happy! Then tag 6 people to post this meme on their LJs. Because it is good. Everyone needs a little happiness once in awhile. 

1.  Sleeping late(r) than usual this morning
2.  Validation
3.  Leaving my keys on the counter in cranberry land.
4.  Being left the TREE!
5.  Bowling shoes
6.  Fresh air

so i'm doing it again
hanging with the cuddly (loud) little dogs (beasts)
in the museum house.
last year it was thanksgiving and the following 2 weeks 
this year its 2 weeks pre halloween.
wow how things have changed.

for the good.

no more silly sara
no more being pd.
no more living in middleborough
no more 57 mile one way commute.

i'm better for it.
i grew so much in those 5 years with her.
i figured out what i want.
what i need in a partner
i figured out a little more, who i am (because i wasn't always ME with her)

blech.
i lost steam..

any ideas on how to get a red stain out of a cream carpet?